If family life lasted a long time and had an emotional and spiritual significance for a person, then an unexpected break is always stress, which is experienced as grief.
Women react differently to a divorce, but everyone has to go through certain stages. The whole sequence of experiences is similar to what people experience after the death of a loved one. In a sense, divorce can be considered as the “death” of the family.
The threads of human relationships cannot break overnight, without leaving a trace, after merely signing a legal document. It takes months and even years to start living fully again.
Experiences after a divorce have several phases. Depending on the period in which you are now, the relevant state recommendations of psychologists will help. The time frames of the stages are conditional, since the divorce and the relations that precede it may be confusing, full of hope and despair, replacing each other. Therefore, some phases may be delayed.
Shock is the initial reaction of any person to grief. Excitement usually lasts from a few minutes to several months, but most often about 10-12 days.
At this time it is not easy at all to believe what happened. For example, you found out about treason, or he announced that he is demanding a divorce.
The presence of friends and close people can help you. If you succeed in telling someone about what happened, to express your feelings, perhaps, to cry in abundance – you may feel that it has become a little bit easier.
The phase of depression and deliberate suffering
On average, this period lasts 8-9 weeks. This is a time of emotional throwing and experiences when the feeling of the meaninglessness of life, loneliness, fear, and helplessness is fully manifested. A woman who remains alone after a divorce usually experiences many conflicting emotions.
If you are experiencing precisely this critical period of life, you are most likely familiar with a variety of feelings. This is a feeling of guilt for not holding the husband and not keeping the family, and pain, and resentment, and bewilderment. Emotions overwhelm and interfere with understanding. Try to realize, to see from the outside their experiences. During this period, friends and relatives who are ready to listen to you can help.
A strong feeling is very unproductive. It can become destructive if you go into it with your head. Psychologists working with divorce survivors have found that mental anguish usually ends when a person stops blaming only himself for failure and begins to understand that two people are needed to bring the family to ruin.
Do not concentrate only on their experiences. Remember that there are people around you who are also having a hard time. These are, for example, your children who are experiencing hard events. They need a father whom they love. Therefore, convince the children that they will be able to see dad quite often. It is also essential, in spite of its sufferings, to begin to make plans for the future life and to find support in itself.
It lasts about a year after the divorce. At this stage, the experience of grief does not dominate, and it sometimes appears in the form of small but strong emotional upheavals. The reason for them can serve as a chance meeting with her husband, for example, the first birthday without him, the first new year without a husband.
The difficulties of experiencing the phase of residual phenomena after a divorce also lie in the fact that there are usually quite a few reminders of a husband – mutual friends, relatives, the ability to talk on the phone at any time. On the one hand, these are heavy reminders of a loss, and on the other side, the opportunity to gradually get used to new relationships. Divorce is complicated by the fact that it is concentrating on the best qualities of a husband infrequently occurs.
Psychological work is considered close to completion when you gain hope and the ability to plan for the future. Unexpectedly for yourself, you start looking forward, not looking back, and also realize that obsessive thoughts have stopped. You no longer expect to return your marriage; you understand that you can live a full life.
The pain gives way to hope. It turns out that life after a divorce does exist. Your future seems brighter through the prism of suffering.
Tips on how to survive a divorce easier
Do not look for meetings with your ex-husband. Yes, you want to tell him everything you think about him, find out what he is like without you, and so on. But the fact is that after a divorce you cannot communicate with him without a flurry of emotions and mutual insults, which is fraught with scandals that do not bring anything good and only add negative experiences.
Try to change the situation immediately. For example, now no one bothers to do redevelopment the way you want it. You can even start a repair. If, after the divorce, you moved to your parents, then immediately engage in establishing a comfortable life there.
You should not try to survive divorce with destructive entertainment. No noisy parties and nightclubs at first, it is better to wait a bit. At first glance, it seems that reckless fun will distract from thoughts about the past, from ideas about divorce. Perhaps this will help, but very briefly, after which the depression will cover with a new force.
Take care of your appearance. Do it for yourself just because you love yourself and you can be pampered with civil cosmetic procedures. This will help to distract. Also, the internal state and appearance are closely interrelated. Having lost the form, it will be difficult to recover. Then to the heartache associated with the divorce, there will be added sadness about the blurred figure. But you will need an irresistible look when, having gone through a divorce, you will start looking for a more worthy man.